24. make an anonymous donation (32 x 32)

with all of the confidentiality capabilities at my command, I will try to make this as anonymous as possible. I gave something to someone when I was on retreat. I wrote a note with it, but didn't sign my name. actually, I don't even know if the gift was picked up or kept.

all this ties neatly in with one of the concepts taught on the retreat: dana.
Dāna as a formal religious act is directed specifically to a monastic or spiritually-developed person. In Buddhist thought, it has the effect of purifying and transforming the mind of the giver. Buddhists believe that giving without seeking anything in return leads to greater spiritual wealth. Moreover, it reduces the acquisitive impulses that ultimately lead to continued dukkha.

the dana talk we received was very interesting. it spoke to the differences between Eastern and Western cultures regarding generosity. In the East (i.e., India), the monks walk down the street in the morning with a bowl and people come out of their houses and give a scoop of their food to the monks. As soon as an infant learns to walk, a spoon is put in their hand so they may give to the monks. Obviously, in the West we don't really practice this in such direct terms. We do pay local taxes to pay for teachers and other civil servants, but it's the directness that maybe is the key in lessening dukkha.

Years ago, when I was in the middle of a particularly harsh moment of self-centeredness, my buddy Michael suggested that I go do something nice for someone and not to tell them and not to tell him about it either. just do something nice, be generous, and not expect any praise or promotion for it. Of course I was immediately transported into gratitude and humility, which were much more pleasant.

and as my mother says, "give and forget the gift."

18. go on a silent retreat (32 x 32)

There really aren't words to describe the peace which came from this retreat, appropriately so. I guess just the basics: Against the Stream organized a week-long retreat in NW Massachusetts, Berkshire Mountains, at a place called Earth Dance.

I heard of it through a post on the DC Dharma Punx group on facebook. I had gone to sit with the DC Dharma Punx once, but felt it was a little hokey; then earlier this year I went for a walking meditation and didn't follow any of the instructions and instead had a lovely time wandering around the National Arboretum with a good friend and conversation.

I didn't really have any expectations, except to be in an environment where there wasn't going to be any external chatter so I could focus on internal chatter. And there was a lot to listen to. noble silence means: no talking to the other yogis, only talking for clarification of work during the work meditation, no eye contact, no phone calls, no texting, no writing/journaling, no facebook, no smoke signals, no polite things like "thank you" or "excuse me"

Our days were structured thusly:
5:45 morning bell
6:15 yoga
7:00 breakfast
8:00 walking meditation/work meditation
9:00 dharma talk
10:30 walking meditation (i usually went for a run, or wrote in my journal, or took a nap during this time)
11:00 sitting meditation
11:30 walking meditation (i usually showered during this time)
12:00 lunch
12:30 my work meditation: food finisher (i put away extra food, rinsed bowls for the dishwasher)
1:00 walking meditation/work meditation
2:00 sitting meditation (i usually knit during this time)
2:45 The 5 Rhythms
4:15 sitting meditation
5:00 dinner
6:00 walking meditation/work meditations
7:00 Metta talk
8:45 sitting meditation
9:30 Pablo Das song and then bed



The way the vipassana built up over the course of six days went thusly:
Monday - breathing
Tuesday - sounds
Wednesday - feeling tones (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral)
Thursday - full vipassana of insight meditation
Friday - full vipassana
Saturday - full vipassana

some of the beautiful things from the week:
stars! a bear which I mistook for a skunk (in the middle of the night without my glasses), foxes on the compost heap, none of the books I brought with me had any blank pages in the back to tear out to write upon, iridescent blue bells, a hummingbird flew within arms length of the window I was journaling, men openly weeping, sydney and shawn laughing until they cried, the transition from chaos to lyrical in the dancing practice, the bole in the apple tree which you can pass your arm through, caterpillars:

(crimson ghost caterpillar)


(mr. t caterpillar)

i had a few key insights:
1. i love nan, that shit is delicious
2. there's residual anger for people who have physically hurt me, and
3. that anger comes up as competitiveness with others
4. there's no need to compare anyone with my old unicorn, no one will be him, and that's a good thing.
5. i need to work on being okay with being abandoned (thank you very much george haas for this sucker punch statement)
6. finally, the biggest one: letting go of barriers so that i can love unreservedly, not holding out because of long-term implications or psychodynamic mumbojumbo. this is difficult to put into practice. someone's ability to commit is a character trait to them, not to me. which means that it can change.

it has been very surreal, coming out of the noble silence. first thing I heard from back home is that a friend of ours passed due to his addiction. because the whole week had been on impermanence, it was difficult not having anything to say to comfort others. I was still wrapped up in the insights and the barrage of noise and stimulants.

i would highly recommend this type of retreat for someone who needs some balm for their soul. or needs ways to work towards forgiveness, compassion, joy, and equanimity.

namaste