This winter has brought major changes to my environment already; and also a change to the underlying motivation for existing. That sounds ridiculously dramatic, but there it is. I made a choice to move back in with my family in Arlington, VA. There was the beautiful apartment in DC which was just as huge as the last one in Delaware and it had parquet floors and southern facing windows, looking out onto a little bit of park and graveyard. utilities included. cat-friendly. wonderful art-deco foyer. I had all the papers in order and had guarantors for the rent, seeing as I am not fully employed.
But it didn't feel right.
Something in my insides knew it wasn't the right move to make. So I asked myself, what would my abnormally ultra-fiscal-responsible sister do in this situation? She would move where the rent is cheap and where I don't incur MORE debt. She wouldn't really see it as a strike against her pride or independence, because in the long run, debt-free is independence. I am shifting. The past couple of years has been driven by seeking the next scheme, the next beautiful place to live, the next sexy opportunity to write about on facebook, all for the sake of doing it while I can, while I'm young, while I'm single, while I'm childless. Now, I am staying put. I'm nailing my fins to the floor. It's been accepted by all my immediate family that I am not moving again until one of three conditions is met: a) I get an amazing professional position somewhere outside of commuting distance, b) I pay off all my debt, c) I get married. oi.
This is pretty heavy stuff to acclimate to, but I've been lucky that there are so many things to do in DC that I have been able to stave off the depression which I assumed was coming. I mean, I just thought, moving back into Mom's basement, I am going to get into a deep funk. But holy shit the weather this winter has been fabulous! I have gone on a few long rides, have been getting to yoga, reconnecting with friends from college, helping my family re-organize the house, work some temporary jobs, go swimming. All excellent things which naturally keep my sads from appearing. Here's where they did show up: gift giving. This year I was so totally uninspired for making holiday cards or what to knit for people. I didn't have anything to give to my family on Christmas other than apologies. I tried to excuse the shame by saying that it's unreasonable to have ONE DAY of gift giving in the whole year (which it is, mind you, just not something which excuses empty hands on that particular day. I think this philosophy also applies to my general dislike of birthdays, new years eve, and mother's day.)
Finally, inspiration struck. I would fold 108 origami cranes and send them out for the holidays. I used scrapbook paper collected from Delaware FreeCycle when Cara, Gundry, and I were putting together Nora's baby book, and the bingo paper collected when I went to bingo with Rachel, Adam, and Jude last Spring.
I did some research on the significance of crane origami and the japa mala (the string of 108 meditation beads). I folded them in Sarah's nearly empty apartment in Beverly Hills, on the 704 bus to Silver Lake to have lunch with Gretta, at Tiffany's after yoga in the park at Runyon, on the airplane from LAX to IAD with Sarah, Tiny, and Guillome.
Finished up the rest at Cara's with her lovely cat, Tea Bags, while watching the UK version of Being Human (which is SO much faster than the US version. also, the werewolf is WAY better in the US version, just sayin).
Sent them out today, not to just one someone special but 108 special someones.
No comments:
Post a Comment