I kept a journal of things I had thought about, in the form of letters to Jason while he was hiking the AT from Peru, VT to Pittsfield, MA. Here is what I wrote that day:
Hard to type with no thumbs, I'm so glad you taught me about the sliding function. It's an interesting question, what is your relationship to marriage? Both of us have been close to it once. Both of us come from families where it didn't last. What does it mean to be married? Not necessarily the practical or the emotional aspects to it, but what's the first thing that comes to mind. For me, it's impermanence. That's what my mother's two marriages conditioned me to think first. And that she took from two men what she wanted and then when she wasn't fulfilled after she got what she wanted, she rolled out. I've always held some amount of respect for her for doing that. She always put us children first, or a close second to her job. And that's one lens that I see marriage through. When I look at us, I ask myself if you have an ego and sense of self which you will not sacrifice just because you want to be in a relationship (with me or otherwise)? Am I so driven by the desire to have a family and companionship that I'm willing to shred your ego and manipulate you to get what I want? To both of these questions, I've already answered no, otherwise I wouldn't have said yes before.
But retreat is this opportunity to delve deeper and remove to distractions of next bench, another smoke, invitations to draw, plans to make for Patagonia, plans for wedding, writing you :) and try to see more. Truth be told, I keep on distracting myself with. .. writing to you, getting another cup of tea, changing clothes, making myself a snack. .. so there's that. And that's just how it is right now. Right now I have a splitting headache, smiling at my distraction/avoidance behavior. .. but at least I'm not smoking! I've been drinking plenty of water, taking my medications, sleeping a lot, went for a run yesterday and missed yoga this morning. Forgiving myself for not being perfect. Forgiving you for not being perfect :) visualizing holding a safe space for you to not be perfect and still love you no matter what. Right now, I'm at ease. Heart rate is a little faster mainly because I'm coming to the end of this letter and that means I have another opportunity to go sit with my lenses of marriage.
What are you're lenses of marriage?
Love and everything wonderful for your body of awesome thoughtful and loving man-ness.
After writing that, I went in to a sit. Got rip-shit pissed at my dad during the meditation, and left to go buy a pack of smokes. then I wrote this:
Had an amazing insight on my way to buying smokes. The fear is that you could leave, just like my dad. Granted, he left because of jobs, but as a kid, I didn't understand that. You could abandon me too. And that's true of anyone for any number of reasons, but with *marriage* comes expectations (not to mention legal obligations). And I have to be okay with being abandoned. I have to be okay with impermanence. And sit through changes and compromise and negotiations with some amount of grace and equanimity. The fear is that if I don't that you'll leave. Those are the fears. That doesn't mean that I don't trust you or your intentions. Doesn't mean that I won't marry you even though it apparently scares the shit out of me. In fact I think it says a lot that a) I can share this with you, b) not shut down, and c) that I still want to marry you.
then we got married four months later. Living without opposable thumbs was kind of amazing.
No comments:
Post a Comment