28. wish upon a star (33x33)

We've all done it. Look up at the sky and pick the first star you see, even though you see about a hundred - less, depending on the light pollution (which I've learned all about because of the observatory item coming up soon) - and make a wish.

When I was little, I'd wish for physical, material, objects. Like something to hope for in the holidays.

As a teenager with raging hormones, it was usually a wish for attention or affection from the latest object of obsession. Because, yes, people were objects around then...

As a college student, usually I was too inebriated to focus on just one so I just appreciated the magnitude of the cosmos. totally radical.

In early sobriety, I'd wish for the man I was pining for in numerous imaginationships to return my affection and thereby validate the promise that I'm loveable. and I'd wish for peace and serenity and acceptance, because it was a good habit to get into.

I put together this list of items in November 2012 and a lot of the items are repeats from previous leap lists. I was still fairly miserable at my job, still pining over unrequited love, still struggling with body image issues, and I had just had the amazing experience of my first silent retreat. That was my mindset, still focused on the idea of "better."

What would it look like, feel like, seem like, to put away the story of a "better" me?

It feels wonderful. I was walking home from work the other day and looked up, directed my attention to the first star, the brightest star, and was at a loss for a wish.

I was exactly as I was and didn't want my story to change, didn't need to alter the attributes of anything in me or about me to feel right and perfect.

Granted, many of my circumstances have changed since I wrote the list. I'm excelling in my employ, have found the great peace of being part of a pair, gained weight, lost fitness, fallen out of meditative practice, obtained and lost a service position, and am older.

I want everything I have.